Ellen Jo Knows

Money worries. Fretting today. My husband makes quite a deal less income I do, partially due to the weak economy but mainly due to his own laziness. It grates on me sometimes, and every once in a blue moon I get into a funk about it. He's not the most ambitious go-getter type of guy, so my hustle and bustle is what keeps us afloat in the day to day. Sometimes this brews up a lil' batch of resentment, especially when I realize that any "extra" money I've made- beyond my regular salary- money from selling paintings or writing for the Noise had ended up going to pay household bills, rather than towards fun stuff as it it should. Film, art supplies, road trips, a new dress, or just the plain ol' rainy day fund--- this is what my extra "mad money" should be for, but that's not what happens and I get upset. Watching it slide away...

Money comes and goes like water-- I try not to get too attached to it, ever. A sudden windfall often portents an equally sudden minus sign-- a car repair or some other expense that quickly takes care of that extra money. And sometimes, when things look particularly dim, a rash of art sales, a bonus or a monetary gift from afar arrives, right on time to help save the day.

My husband has a hard time getting along with people in the structure of a job. He has always been this way since I met him. He's been fired alot. One year he got fired 4 times from 4 different jobs. No lie. I was fed up with that. For the last year and a half he's held a decent position where he fits in and gets along with everyone fine--but their production dropped way off due to the economy and there currently ain't no hours for nobody -- he works maybe 12 hours a week. It's been this way for about 6 months now, and it is impacting our finances a lil' more each paycheck.

Slip slidin' away.

Since the age of 5, when my dad died, I have worried about money. My Mom was very candid with us about what it took to maintain the household as a single parent/breadwinner, and shared her struggles with us so we could always appreciate the value of a dollar. I am grateful for this. But, I am also sad for it, this lifelong worry about money. Not trying to be wealthy-- just want my bills paid on time, and a little cushion to alleviate my anxieties! Not needin' no status symbols or modern gear--- Just want to be able to buy a new pair of shoes now and then, or a dress for the summer party.

What brought this funk on this time is the reading of old journals, circa 1994-1995, last night. Capturing all of the young new love freshly taking hold of my life-- but also capturing all of the flaws I spotted in my future husband early on-- his self-absorption (spending whole days relaxing, doing yoga, taking a bath), his lack of ambition, his financial liability at holding a job--- In all these years nothing has changed. I knew all along what I was getting into, from the very beginning.

This makes me angry at myself more than anything, for walking straight on into such difficult situations with my stubborn Aries head--knowing full well what I'm getting into and still thinking I'll be able to solve it with the sheer force of my personality. I've made my bed, and now I must lie in it. Tomorrow I'll be in better spirits--I'll have moved along to something new, and more constructive-- but today everything looks so grim.